I have been thiking a lot about the growth that I have had over the past few years. Even the past few months.
In the past every day was a struggle for me. I did not know from one day to the next what was going to happen. I feel like I have made amazing strides in my growth as a person, as a woman, and as a person that has grown from being the girl with the Eating Disorder, to the WOMAN that wants to make a difference in the world
I now know what I want from life. I want to be happy, secure, safe, and loved. Because of my past issues within myself I pushed people away(especially the opposite sex). I have always put up a wall and not really let people in. I did this out of insecurities within myself. I rationalized it to myself that if I did not let someone into my heart then I would not get hurt. I now that is not the way to think.
I am growing as a person and I have destroyed that wall. I promised my self the other day that that part of myself and my insecurities were gone and would not return. The thing about me, when I say that I am going to do something then I do it!!!
One of the things that an ED does to girls is make you untrusting of the opposite sex. We are so insecure about ourselves, we find it hard to believe that someone would actually love and care about us, for us. As of now and forever this part of me is gone. I know more than ever that I deserve to be happy, I deserve, to be loved, I deserve to feel safe, and I will always be secure within myself!!
I am like a Magnolia Tree. A Magnolia stands for nobility. Does that mean that I think that I am above most people? Not at all. To me it means that I have fought and strived to be the best as I possibily can. To make my life noble. To have the highest moral values within myself. Someone that is noble treats others with respect and most off all treats themself with respect. And I will always treat myslef with respect, because in the past I never treated my body with respect (my ED). The branches of my life are always growing.
This is kind of off topic from what I usually write about, but its in my thoughts. Why is it that people in my generation are so disapointing.(not all but most) Why do women settle and why do men generally treat women like crap. Why do both sexes play these stupid games with each other? Why are so many people (men and women) afraid to express thier true feeling, why do they beat around the bush? Why cant both sexes be honest and upfront with the other sex? This has been a question that every generation has.
What Im about to say, most people who know me might do a double take. Maybe its because I have always been a "tough" girl, not like other girls. I have always felt like I had to be in control and never let my emotions get in the way. But I now know that I have to relenquish control at some point. I can not do everything. I do believe in love and I do believe in that fantasy that every girl and boy has a prince or princess charming that will swipe her/him off her feet. I think that it is truley unfortunate that most people do not find that. I think they do not find it because they settle. That I will never ever do. I know that I am starting to think this way because of my growth, because I have knocked down that wall. I know that I do deserve it all. Dont get me wrong I can offer the same to someone else. Its deffenitly not one sided. Mutual repect and complete honesty is what is important. I know that I can be happy and secure with myself. I do not need someone to make me feel good about myself. I am the only one in the end that make me feel good about me.
I have always said the following and now I truley believe it:
"You have to find yourself before someone finds you."
"You have to love yourself before someone can love you."
"EVERYDAY WE DECIDE WHO WE WILL BE BY THE ACTIONS THAT WE TAKE!"
"You can change your behaviors, but you can never, and should never change who you are at the core."
If anything comes from the blogs that I write, I want girls to know that you have to love yourself and accept yourself. Be secure with who you are, do not ever make excuses for who you are, what you feel, or what you think. Done ever change yourself for someone else. Love is unconditional. (wether its family or mates or friends it does not matter)
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Honesty?
Tonight I thought a lot about being honest. How honest am I to myself? How honest am I about myself to others? The answer to that is simple....I am usually so brutally honest that most people don't "get it".
How honest are you to yourself about your ED? Do you pretend that you and everything is ok? Do you look at others and yourself with the soal intention of making sure that others really do know your pain?
So many people in today's society will judge on the spot. Many of us that have EDs or have struggled with them in the past always have that piece in our head that tells us that even if we are "doing better" that it is not good enough. We want everyone to think that life is great..even when it is not.
Honesty is the best policy. Why are women told that they should keep things to them selves? Why do most people play games? Why do we lie to ourselves? Why is so hard for us as women to just put our feelings out there?
Our insecurities come from everywhere. But what is it that makes us so insecure and therefor scared to be honest? What do we have to loose? Are we worried that people wont accept us because oft their preconceived notions?
Well my thought on all of this is be blunt, be honest to yourself and the people around you. Honesty and self acceptance go hand and in hand. If you are not accepted for who you are, then why would you want that false sense of acceptance?
I always say that you have to find yourself before someone finds you. Be honest with yourself and be honest with the Pele around you. As women with EDs it is hard for us to accept someones honesty, its hard for us to believe the honesty, especially when it makes us feel good about ourselves. I spent many years not believing in myself. But now I do, and I am honest about myself and my feelings of myself, and to others. Icahn honestly say that I like myself and I am proud of myself. That is a great feeling. Time is precious and you never know what the next day is going to bring. Everyday live your life, really live,,,because you never want regrets and you never want to say what if.
How honest are you to yourself about your ED? Do you pretend that you and everything is ok? Do you look at others and yourself with the soal intention of making sure that others really do know your pain?
So many people in today's society will judge on the spot. Many of us that have EDs or have struggled with them in the past always have that piece in our head that tells us that even if we are "doing better" that it is not good enough. We want everyone to think that life is great..even when it is not.
Honesty is the best policy. Why are women told that they should keep things to them selves? Why do most people play games? Why do we lie to ourselves? Why is so hard for us as women to just put our feelings out there?
Our insecurities come from everywhere. But what is it that makes us so insecure and therefor scared to be honest? What do we have to loose? Are we worried that people wont accept us because oft their preconceived notions?
Well my thought on all of this is be blunt, be honest to yourself and the people around you. Honesty and self acceptance go hand and in hand. If you are not accepted for who you are, then why would you want that false sense of acceptance?
I always say that you have to find yourself before someone finds you. Be honest with yourself and be honest with the Pele around you. As women with EDs it is hard for us to accept someones honesty, its hard for us to believe the honesty, especially when it makes us feel good about ourselves. I spent many years not believing in myself. But now I do, and I am honest about myself and my feelings of myself, and to others. Icahn honestly say that I like myself and I am proud of myself. That is a great feeling. Time is precious and you never know what the next day is going to bring. Everyday live your life, really live,,,because you never want regrets and you never want to say what if.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Transformation Of Self
Transformation Of Self
Why does society tell us who we should be, how we should look, how much we should weigh? Are these the things that show the world who we really are or who we will become? Why does society tell us that in order to be "beautiful" we need to look like Posh Spice or Paris Hilton? Does that define us and our abilities? To make a difference in the world do we have to follow these unrealistic guidelines. Does self worth have anything to do with the number tha is sewn in the back of our pants?
After MANY MANY years of of thinking that I had to be and look a certain way I have decided that I just don't care anymore. I have always tried to please evrybody else, o please my ED. I always said that I did not care if I was different. And I was different, but I was hiding behind my ED. I was acting out in a strange way for attention, but was it the attention that I really craved? Oh Kelly you are so skinny...that's all I heard...not Kelly you are so caring, smart or funny.
The last few weeks have been a real test for me. Mt best friend in the whole world has cancer, and I think that it has affected me more mentally than it has affected her. Have lost 12 lbs, I have not been eating and I have not really been working out. I feel like I am being pulled in 100 different directions and I have felt like I was going to com bust. I am a nurturer, a giver, and I want to please everyone. I have run myself into the ground and there has been no one there to pick me up. I would love for once for someone to ask if they could do anything for me. But I know that in the end that I have to rely on myself.
I have spent the last 2 years transforming myself into what I am. I am strong, I am secure, and I am a role model for people with eating disorders. I can not sit around and mope because things have been low. Today was a breaking point for me. I know that I am different and I embrace that. I do love who I have become.
I guess the message that I am trying to get across is take care of yourself. Be who you really want to be, because in the end, you are the one that looks at yourself everyday in the mirror, and you absolutely have to love what is looking back. Do I love what I see in the mirror right now...not so much..but I am making a change...a transformation into my real self. I know that it is just physical and it may sound strange, but I want the outside to match the inside. I DO NOT care what or who people perceive me as, because I know who I am and that is all that matters.
Do we have to be tall, skinny, rich, blond, and dumb for society to think that we are special...thats what society tells us. We think that those things are what our self worth is all about. But do you want society to dictate how you feel about yourself or do you want to be comfortable with you...after all you have to live with yourself everyday.
Tomorrow I am going to have a makeover of sorts...I am having my hair done just like I want it...just how I see myself...not how it will look to others...I am going on Friday to start working on 3 large tattoo pieces. I want my outside to match my inside, and my inside is exactly what I want it to be. I am open, caring, loving, STRONG, SMART, different, and I do not care anymore if I fit the mold or the image of what I should be.
Life has so many ups and downs, and sometimes when we are down we hit the bottom face first. But we have to pull ourselves up and move on. My Ed kept me hidden away for so many years. But not anymore. I will not allow ED to creep back into my life. I have felt his presence over the last few weeks. But I will never ever let me take away what I have worked so hard for. That would be the easy way out.
After all me and only me has to love the woman that I see when I look in the mirror. I would like to say that my transformation ends now. My transformation may end, but the evolution of the woman that I am and who I will become will be forever a journey that I will be on. I will always be evolving into the best me possible. I will not let ED into my evolution, he is the one one tha started my transformation but now its time to let him go, forever and always from my life., I will always remember and I will nener forget. In a strange twist of fate ED made me who I am today, and I am actually grateful for that. Grateful to myself that I have been able to break free, transform, and evolve. THe transformation may have ended, but the evolution will never end.
Why does society tell us who we should be, how we should look, how much we should weigh? Are these the things that show the world who we really are or who we will become? Why does society tell us that in order to be "beautiful" we need to look like Posh Spice or Paris Hilton? Does that define us and our abilities? To make a difference in the world do we have to follow these unrealistic guidelines. Does self worth have anything to do with the number tha is sewn in the back of our pants?
After MANY MANY years of of thinking that I had to be and look a certain way I have decided that I just don't care anymore. I have always tried to please evrybody else, o please my ED. I always said that I did not care if I was different. And I was different, but I was hiding behind my ED. I was acting out in a strange way for attention, but was it the attention that I really craved? Oh Kelly you are so skinny...that's all I heard...not Kelly you are so caring, smart or funny.
The last few weeks have been a real test for me. Mt best friend in the whole world has cancer, and I think that it has affected me more mentally than it has affected her. Have lost 12 lbs, I have not been eating and I have not really been working out. I feel like I am being pulled in 100 different directions and I have felt like I was going to com bust. I am a nurturer, a giver, and I want to please everyone. I have run myself into the ground and there has been no one there to pick me up. I would love for once for someone to ask if they could do anything for me. But I know that in the end that I have to rely on myself.
I have spent the last 2 years transforming myself into what I am. I am strong, I am secure, and I am a role model for people with eating disorders. I can not sit around and mope because things have been low. Today was a breaking point for me. I know that I am different and I embrace that. I do love who I have become.
I guess the message that I am trying to get across is take care of yourself. Be who you really want to be, because in the end, you are the one that looks at yourself everyday in the mirror, and you absolutely have to love what is looking back. Do I love what I see in the mirror right now...not so much..but I am making a change...a transformation into my real self. I know that it is just physical and it may sound strange, but I want the outside to match the inside. I DO NOT care what or who people perceive me as, because I know who I am and that is all that matters.
Do we have to be tall, skinny, rich, blond, and dumb for society to think that we are special...thats what society tells us. We think that those things are what our self worth is all about. But do you want society to dictate how you feel about yourself or do you want to be comfortable with you...after all you have to live with yourself everyday.
Tomorrow I am going to have a makeover of sorts...I am having my hair done just like I want it...just how I see myself...not how it will look to others...I am going on Friday to start working on 3 large tattoo pieces. I want my outside to match my inside, and my inside is exactly what I want it to be. I am open, caring, loving, STRONG, SMART, different, and I do not care anymore if I fit the mold or the image of what I should be.
Life has so many ups and downs, and sometimes when we are down we hit the bottom face first. But we have to pull ourselves up and move on. My Ed kept me hidden away for so many years. But not anymore. I will not allow ED to creep back into my life. I have felt his presence over the last few weeks. But I will never ever let me take away what I have worked so hard for. That would be the easy way out.
After all me and only me has to love the woman that I see when I look in the mirror. I would like to say that my transformation ends now. My transformation may end, but the evolution of the woman that I am and who I will become will be forever a journey that I will be on. I will always be evolving into the best me possible. I will not let ED into my evolution, he is the one one tha started my transformation but now its time to let him go, forever and always from my life., I will always remember and I will nener forget. In a strange twist of fate ED made me who I am today, and I am actually grateful for that. Grateful to myself that I have been able to break free, transform, and evolve. THe transformation may have ended, but the evolution will never end.
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