Transformation Of Self

Transformation Of Self
Why does society tell us who we should be, how we should look, how much we should weigh? Are these the things that show the world who we really are or who we will become? Why does society tell us that in order to be "beautiful" we need to look like Posh Spice or Paris Hilton? Does that define us and our abilities? To make a difference in the world do we have to follow these unrealistic guidelines. Does self worth have anything to do with the number tha is sewn in the back of our pants?

After MANY MANY years of of thinking that I had to be and look a certain way I have decided that I just don't care anymore. I have always tried to please evrybody else, o please my ED. I always said that I did not care if I was different. And I was different, but I was hiding behind my ED. I was acting out in a strange way for attention, but was it the attention that I really craved? Oh Kelly you are so skinny...that's all I heard...not Kelly you are so caring, smart or funny.

The last few weeks have been a real test for me. Mt best friend in the whole world has cancer, and I think that it has affected me more mentally than it has affected her. Have lost 12 lbs, I have not been eating and I have not really been working out. I feel like I am being pulled in 100 different directions and I have felt like I was going to com bust. I am a nurturer, a giver, and I want to please everyone. I have run myself into the ground and there has been no one there to pick me up. I would love for once for someone to ask if they could do anything for me. But I know that in the end that I have to rely on myself.

I have spent the last 2 years transforming myself into what I am. I am strong, I am secure, and I am a role model for people with eating disorders. I can not sit around and mope because things have been low. Today was a breaking point for me. I know that I am different and I embrace that. I do love who I have become.

I guess the message that I am trying to get across is take care of yourself. Be who you really want to be, because in the end, you are the one that looks at yourself everyday in the mirror, and you absolutely have to love what is looking back. Do I love what I see in the mirror right now...not so much..but I am making a change...a transformation into my real self. I know that it is just physical and it may sound strange, but I want the outside to match the inside. I DO NOT care what or who people perceive me as, because I know who I am and that is all that matters.

Do we have to be tall, skinny, rich, blond, and dumb for society to think that we are special...thats what society tells us. We think that those things are what our self worth is all about. But do you want society to dictate how you feel about yourself or do you want to be comfortable with you...after all you have to live with yourself everyday.

Tomorrow I am going to have a makeover of sorts...I am having my hair done just like I want it...just how I see myself...not how it will look to others...I am going on Friday to start working on 3 large tattoo pieces. I want my outside to match my inside, and my inside is exactly what I want it to be. I am open, caring, loving, STRONG, SMART, different, and I do not care anymore if I fit the mold or the image of what I should be.

Life has so many ups and downs, and sometimes when we are down we hit the bottom face first. But we have to pull ourselves up and move on. My Ed kept me hidden away for so many years. But not anymore. I will not allow ED to creep back into my life. I have felt his presence over the last few weeks. But I will never ever let me take away what I have worked so hard for. That would be the easy way out.

After all me and only me has to love the woman that I see when I look in the mirror. I would like to say that my transformation ends now. My transformation may end, but the evolution of the woman that I am and who I will become will be forever a journey that I will be on. I will always be evolving into the best me possible. I will not let ED into my evolution, he is the one one tha started my transformation but now its time to let him go, forever and always from my life., I will always remember and I will nener forget. In a strange twist of fate ED made me who I am today, and I am actually grateful for that. Grateful to myself that I have been able to break free, transform, and evolve. THe transformation may have ended, but the evolution will never end.