Its the turbulence in life that makes you who you are. The winds of change are a very mysterious force of nature. The reason that I keep this blog is so that I can keep my thoughts in order for the book that I am writing. I have no idea if anyone ever reads it, but that's OK.
Every writer needs inspiration from something. For me it has been the winds of change, the life that I once had and now the life that I am creating for myself. In turn that is helping me create a new life for others. In the past few months the turbulence has gotten the best of me and I have not been able to write anything, not one word. I have felt empty inside and when I tried to reach down into my soal there was nothing there. Fortunately that was a hump in the road and I have moved past it.
Tonight I was inspired, it took only a few simle words to get me back to me..to get me to reach inside. I have seen this phrase everyday, but it was not until tonight that it jumped into my soal..."Living life to the fullest and having no regrets".
This may be one of the most powerful phrases that someone can say. How many people can honestly say that they are living ife with no regrets? I can honestly say that! I do not have any regrets in life. Every aspect of ones life has a meaning. If you went back and changed just one single thing, would you be the same person that you are now?
If I went back in time and changed the very first time that I decided that I was not going to eat, who would I be now. I would have saved myself a lot of pain and trauma, but would I be the person that I am now...would I be me? The answer is NO!
Its very easy to say if only I had......If I had never had done.....These experiences are what makes us who we are. Some people use every bad situation that they have been thru to better themselves and to make a difference in the world. That is what I am doing. I am living my life with no regrets.
Life can be extremely hard and trying. Everyone makes mistakes and makes bad decisions, as I have a lot in the past and a few recently. However the bad decisions that I have made recently have taught me about myself, and have shown me alot aboutthe people in my life that care about me. This has made me a stronger person, a person that will make in a difference in the world no matter what it takes.
Living life to the fullest. What does that mean? Tomorrow I could wake up and be told that I have only a few months to live. This could happen to anyone, because as much as we want to think that we are invincible, we are not. Living life to the fullest means that everyday you live your life like its your last, living your life like you do not know what is going to happen in the future, because as much as we want to think we can, we can not control our future.
Living life to the fullest with no regrets. Everyone needs to live everyday. As morbid as it may sound, that means that everyday could be your last. When you leave you can not take your "things" with you. But what you can take with you is knowing that you lived your life with as much passion, strength, and hope as humanly possible.
If I was told that today would be my last day, I could honestly say that I have lived my life to the fullest. I will continue everyday making sure that I embrace life and the people in my life. Because you never know when it can all be over. My life is full and I have no regrets. How many people can really day that, probably not enough!
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Inspired
So I am going to head into a new path with my bolgs. I am about t start writing my book. I have always been writing, but now I have a plan and a path. So my writing are going to be geared toward my book, not always about EDs, but always about hope, sprit, and recovery.
How do you know what someone else is feeling if they do not let you know? How can you help someone if they will not, or are not able to let you in? Where does insperation come from? You never know where it will come from, even if it is from someone that you do not know.
If you were struck down wioth a life threatning disease what would you do? This question is harder to answer than one would think. The answer is, you do not know until you have been there. Does it mater what type of person you were before this tragedy happened? If you went to the doctor one day and they told you, you have stage three cancer, your chances of living are high, but you are going to struggle. What would you do with this? Would you take it and deal with it and move on, or would you use it as an opportunity. Would it show you that there is so much out there that is more powerful, would you take the opportunity to make a difference in the world?
What would you do if you went to the doctor and they told you that you had stage 4 cancer, there is no stage 5. What would you do, would you fight and fight and fight to make a difference? Its easy to say now what you would do, but who really knows what they would do? Or do they?
I know that for an absolute fact that if this was me that I would use it as a chance to make a difference. I do not have cancer, but I have survived a devestating disease for 23 years, and I have been in recovery for 3...and I will make a difference.
Nobody knows what life is going to hand them. Life can be very hard and trying, but you must ask yourself, what is it that I am going to get out of this life? What inspires you? I am inspired by people that I have never met. There are people out there that are facing thier fate, but all they want to do is change your life. They know that thier life may be coming to an end but they want to be an insperation. I am inspired by the life of others...lives that may be to short, but lives that are not without reason or insperaton.
How do you know what someone else is feeling if they do not let you know? How can you help someone if they will not, or are not able to let you in? Where does insperation come from? You never know where it will come from, even if it is from someone that you do not know.
If you were struck down wioth a life threatning disease what would you do? This question is harder to answer than one would think. The answer is, you do not know until you have been there. Does it mater what type of person you were before this tragedy happened? If you went to the doctor one day and they told you, you have stage three cancer, your chances of living are high, but you are going to struggle. What would you do with this? Would you take it and deal with it and move on, or would you use it as an opportunity. Would it show you that there is so much out there that is more powerful, would you take the opportunity to make a difference in the world?
What would you do if you went to the doctor and they told you that you had stage 4 cancer, there is no stage 5. What would you do, would you fight and fight and fight to make a difference? Its easy to say now what you would do, but who really knows what they would do? Or do they?
I know that for an absolute fact that if this was me that I would use it as a chance to make a difference. I do not have cancer, but I have survived a devestating disease for 23 years, and I have been in recovery for 3...and I will make a difference.
Nobody knows what life is going to hand them. Life can be very hard and trying, but you must ask yourself, what is it that I am going to get out of this life? What inspires you? I am inspired by people that I have never met. There are people out there that are facing thier fate, but all they want to do is change your life. They know that thier life may be coming to an end but they want to be an insperation. I am inspired by the life of others...lives that may be to short, but lives that are not without reason or insperaton.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Is true hapiness possible?
A lot of girls with EDs or in recovery wonder, is this it for me? Am I am ever going to be really happy? Will I ever have a better and different life?
I am here to tell you with absolute certainy, yes it is possible to be happy. however it is not something that just happens over night. You can only achieve true happiness within yourself. It is possible to for other people in your life to make you happy, but true complete happiness has to be happiness with yourself.
There was a time in my life not to long ago that I thought, is this it, is this the way my life is going to be? I did not want to live that way so I worked as hard as I could to change it. And I did. There are days that are better than others, but overall I have true happiness in my life. I work everyday on bettering myself, to achieve more. I am not talking about getting more "things" or material possessions. I work and strive everyday to make my self the best me that I can be. I try to keep all negativity out of my life, I try to always be positive, and I try to live everyday to the fullest, because you never know what the next day is going to bring.
I know that most people with EDs will say its easier said than done, this is very true. But if you take the steps everyday to heal yourself, work on recovery, and grow as a person, the outcome is an amazing feeling.
Having gone thru an ED for the past 23 years was very hard!!! I never thought that I would be where I am now. I spent so much of my life miserable and sad!!! I do not ever want to go back there, because I know how far I have come and how good it feels to be where I am now.
I am a firm believer in everything happens for a reason. Having gone thru this is what has made me who I am today. What I have gone thru has helped me find myself. The person that Have found, I can honestly say...I really like!!!
If you are reading this and you have an ED remember that it is possible to walk the road to recovery, it is hard, and at times seems impossible. You will never better your self and get ED out of your life until you make a concous decision that you are ready, willing, and able to move on.
Life is a funny thing. Its a long road filled with twist and turns and you will never know where it will take you. Not many people end up where they think they will, but that is ok. You have to make the best of whats in front of you, because only you can can decide what path you take. Only you can make yourself happy, and only you can give you the life that you want!!! (Emotionally and spiritually)
I am here to tell you with absolute certainy, yes it is possible to be happy. however it is not something that just happens over night. You can only achieve true happiness within yourself. It is possible to for other people in your life to make you happy, but true complete happiness has to be happiness with yourself.
There was a time in my life not to long ago that I thought, is this it, is this the way my life is going to be? I did not want to live that way so I worked as hard as I could to change it. And I did. There are days that are better than others, but overall I have true happiness in my life. I work everyday on bettering myself, to achieve more. I am not talking about getting more "things" or material possessions. I work and strive everyday to make my self the best me that I can be. I try to keep all negativity out of my life, I try to always be positive, and I try to live everyday to the fullest, because you never know what the next day is going to bring.
I know that most people with EDs will say its easier said than done, this is very true. But if you take the steps everyday to heal yourself, work on recovery, and grow as a person, the outcome is an amazing feeling.
Having gone thru an ED for the past 23 years was very hard!!! I never thought that I would be where I am now. I spent so much of my life miserable and sad!!! I do not ever want to go back there, because I know how far I have come and how good it feels to be where I am now.
I am a firm believer in everything happens for a reason. Having gone thru this is what has made me who I am today. What I have gone thru has helped me find myself. The person that Have found, I can honestly say...I really like!!!
If you are reading this and you have an ED remember that it is possible to walk the road to recovery, it is hard, and at times seems impossible. You will never better your self and get ED out of your life until you make a concous decision that you are ready, willing, and able to move on.
Life is a funny thing. Its a long road filled with twist and turns and you will never know where it will take you. Not many people end up where they think they will, but that is ok. You have to make the best of whats in front of you, because only you can can decide what path you take. Only you can make yourself happy, and only you can give you the life that you want!!! (Emotionally and spiritually)
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Growth
I have been thiking a lot about the growth that I have had over the past few years. Even the past few months.
In the past every day was a struggle for me. I did not know from one day to the next what was going to happen. I feel like I have made amazing strides in my growth as a person, as a woman, and as a person that has grown from being the girl with the Eating Disorder, to the WOMAN that wants to make a difference in the world
I now know what I want from life. I want to be happy, secure, safe, and loved. Because of my past issues within myself I pushed people away(especially the opposite sex). I have always put up a wall and not really let people in. I did this out of insecurities within myself. I rationalized it to myself that if I did not let someone into my heart then I would not get hurt. I now that is not the way to think.
I am growing as a person and I have destroyed that wall. I promised my self the other day that that part of myself and my insecurities were gone and would not return. The thing about me, when I say that I am going to do something then I do it!!!
One of the things that an ED does to girls is make you untrusting of the opposite sex. We are so insecure about ourselves, we find it hard to believe that someone would actually love and care about us, for us. As of now and forever this part of me is gone. I know more than ever that I deserve to be happy, I deserve, to be loved, I deserve to feel safe, and I will always be secure within myself!!
I am like a Magnolia Tree. A Magnolia stands for nobility. Does that mean that I think that I am above most people? Not at all. To me it means that I have fought and strived to be the best as I possibily can. To make my life noble. To have the highest moral values within myself. Someone that is noble treats others with respect and most off all treats themself with respect. And I will always treat myslef with respect, because in the past I never treated my body with respect (my ED). The branches of my life are always growing.
This is kind of off topic from what I usually write about, but its in my thoughts. Why is it that people in my generation are so disapointing.(not all but most) Why do women settle and why do men generally treat women like crap. Why do both sexes play these stupid games with each other? Why are so many people (men and women) afraid to express thier true feeling, why do they beat around the bush? Why cant both sexes be honest and upfront with the other sex? This has been a question that every generation has.
What Im about to say, most people who know me might do a double take. Maybe its because I have always been a "tough" girl, not like other girls. I have always felt like I had to be in control and never let my emotions get in the way. But I now know that I have to relenquish control at some point. I can not do everything. I do believe in love and I do believe in that fantasy that every girl and boy has a prince or princess charming that will swipe her/him off her feet. I think that it is truley unfortunate that most people do not find that. I think they do not find it because they settle. That I will never ever do. I know that I am starting to think this way because of my growth, because I have knocked down that wall. I know that I do deserve it all. Dont get me wrong I can offer the same to someone else. Its deffenitly not one sided. Mutual repect and complete honesty is what is important. I know that I can be happy and secure with myself. I do not need someone to make me feel good about myself. I am the only one in the end that make me feel good about me.
I have always said the following and now I truley believe it:
"You have to find yourself before someone finds you."
"You have to love yourself before someone can love you."
"EVERYDAY WE DECIDE WHO WE WILL BE BY THE ACTIONS THAT WE TAKE!"
"You can change your behaviors, but you can never, and should never change who you are at the core."
If anything comes from the blogs that I write, I want girls to know that you have to love yourself and accept yourself. Be secure with who you are, do not ever make excuses for who you are, what you feel, or what you think. Done ever change yourself for someone else. Love is unconditional. (wether its family or mates or friends it does not matter)
In the past every day was a struggle for me. I did not know from one day to the next what was going to happen. I feel like I have made amazing strides in my growth as a person, as a woman, and as a person that has grown from being the girl with the Eating Disorder, to the WOMAN that wants to make a difference in the world
I now know what I want from life. I want to be happy, secure, safe, and loved. Because of my past issues within myself I pushed people away(especially the opposite sex). I have always put up a wall and not really let people in. I did this out of insecurities within myself. I rationalized it to myself that if I did not let someone into my heart then I would not get hurt. I now that is not the way to think.
I am growing as a person and I have destroyed that wall. I promised my self the other day that that part of myself and my insecurities were gone and would not return. The thing about me, when I say that I am going to do something then I do it!!!
One of the things that an ED does to girls is make you untrusting of the opposite sex. We are so insecure about ourselves, we find it hard to believe that someone would actually love and care about us, for us. As of now and forever this part of me is gone. I know more than ever that I deserve to be happy, I deserve, to be loved, I deserve to feel safe, and I will always be secure within myself!!
I am like a Magnolia Tree. A Magnolia stands for nobility. Does that mean that I think that I am above most people? Not at all. To me it means that I have fought and strived to be the best as I possibily can. To make my life noble. To have the highest moral values within myself. Someone that is noble treats others with respect and most off all treats themself with respect. And I will always treat myslef with respect, because in the past I never treated my body with respect (my ED). The branches of my life are always growing.
This is kind of off topic from what I usually write about, but its in my thoughts. Why is it that people in my generation are so disapointing.(not all but most) Why do women settle and why do men generally treat women like crap. Why do both sexes play these stupid games with each other? Why are so many people (men and women) afraid to express thier true feeling, why do they beat around the bush? Why cant both sexes be honest and upfront with the other sex? This has been a question that every generation has.
What Im about to say, most people who know me might do a double take. Maybe its because I have always been a "tough" girl, not like other girls. I have always felt like I had to be in control and never let my emotions get in the way. But I now know that I have to relenquish control at some point. I can not do everything. I do believe in love and I do believe in that fantasy that every girl and boy has a prince or princess charming that will swipe her/him off her feet. I think that it is truley unfortunate that most people do not find that. I think they do not find it because they settle. That I will never ever do. I know that I am starting to think this way because of my growth, because I have knocked down that wall. I know that I do deserve it all. Dont get me wrong I can offer the same to someone else. Its deffenitly not one sided. Mutual repect and complete honesty is what is important. I know that I can be happy and secure with myself. I do not need someone to make me feel good about myself. I am the only one in the end that make me feel good about me.
I have always said the following and now I truley believe it:
"You have to find yourself before someone finds you."
"You have to love yourself before someone can love you."
"EVERYDAY WE DECIDE WHO WE WILL BE BY THE ACTIONS THAT WE TAKE!"
"You can change your behaviors, but you can never, and should never change who you are at the core."
If anything comes from the blogs that I write, I want girls to know that you have to love yourself and accept yourself. Be secure with who you are, do not ever make excuses for who you are, what you feel, or what you think. Done ever change yourself for someone else. Love is unconditional. (wether its family or mates or friends it does not matter)
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Honesty?
Tonight I thought a lot about being honest. How honest am I to myself? How honest am I about myself to others? The answer to that is simple....I am usually so brutally honest that most people don't "get it".
How honest are you to yourself about your ED? Do you pretend that you and everything is ok? Do you look at others and yourself with the soal intention of making sure that others really do know your pain?
So many people in today's society will judge on the spot. Many of us that have EDs or have struggled with them in the past always have that piece in our head that tells us that even if we are "doing better" that it is not good enough. We want everyone to think that life is great..even when it is not.
Honesty is the best policy. Why are women told that they should keep things to them selves? Why do most people play games? Why do we lie to ourselves? Why is so hard for us as women to just put our feelings out there?
Our insecurities come from everywhere. But what is it that makes us so insecure and therefor scared to be honest? What do we have to loose? Are we worried that people wont accept us because oft their preconceived notions?
Well my thought on all of this is be blunt, be honest to yourself and the people around you. Honesty and self acceptance go hand and in hand. If you are not accepted for who you are, then why would you want that false sense of acceptance?
I always say that you have to find yourself before someone finds you. Be honest with yourself and be honest with the Pele around you. As women with EDs it is hard for us to accept someones honesty, its hard for us to believe the honesty, especially when it makes us feel good about ourselves. I spent many years not believing in myself. But now I do, and I am honest about myself and my feelings of myself, and to others. Icahn honestly say that I like myself and I am proud of myself. That is a great feeling. Time is precious and you never know what the next day is going to bring. Everyday live your life, really live,,,because you never want regrets and you never want to say what if.
How honest are you to yourself about your ED? Do you pretend that you and everything is ok? Do you look at others and yourself with the soal intention of making sure that others really do know your pain?
So many people in today's society will judge on the spot. Many of us that have EDs or have struggled with them in the past always have that piece in our head that tells us that even if we are "doing better" that it is not good enough. We want everyone to think that life is great..even when it is not.
Honesty is the best policy. Why are women told that they should keep things to them selves? Why do most people play games? Why do we lie to ourselves? Why is so hard for us as women to just put our feelings out there?
Our insecurities come from everywhere. But what is it that makes us so insecure and therefor scared to be honest? What do we have to loose? Are we worried that people wont accept us because oft their preconceived notions?
Well my thought on all of this is be blunt, be honest to yourself and the people around you. Honesty and self acceptance go hand and in hand. If you are not accepted for who you are, then why would you want that false sense of acceptance?
I always say that you have to find yourself before someone finds you. Be honest with yourself and be honest with the Pele around you. As women with EDs it is hard for us to accept someones honesty, its hard for us to believe the honesty, especially when it makes us feel good about ourselves. I spent many years not believing in myself. But now I do, and I am honest about myself and my feelings of myself, and to others. Icahn honestly say that I like myself and I am proud of myself. That is a great feeling. Time is precious and you never know what the next day is going to bring. Everyday live your life, really live,,,because you never want regrets and you never want to say what if.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Transformation Of Self
Transformation Of Self
Why does society tell us who we should be, how we should look, how much we should weigh? Are these the things that show the world who we really are or who we will become? Why does society tell us that in order to be "beautiful" we need to look like Posh Spice or Paris Hilton? Does that define us and our abilities? To make a difference in the world do we have to follow these unrealistic guidelines. Does self worth have anything to do with the number tha is sewn in the back of our pants?
After MANY MANY years of of thinking that I had to be and look a certain way I have decided that I just don't care anymore. I have always tried to please evrybody else, o please my ED. I always said that I did not care if I was different. And I was different, but I was hiding behind my ED. I was acting out in a strange way for attention, but was it the attention that I really craved? Oh Kelly you are so skinny...that's all I heard...not Kelly you are so caring, smart or funny.
The last few weeks have been a real test for me. Mt best friend in the whole world has cancer, and I think that it has affected me more mentally than it has affected her. Have lost 12 lbs, I have not been eating and I have not really been working out. I feel like I am being pulled in 100 different directions and I have felt like I was going to com bust. I am a nurturer, a giver, and I want to please everyone. I have run myself into the ground and there has been no one there to pick me up. I would love for once for someone to ask if they could do anything for me. But I know that in the end that I have to rely on myself.
I have spent the last 2 years transforming myself into what I am. I am strong, I am secure, and I am a role model for people with eating disorders. I can not sit around and mope because things have been low. Today was a breaking point for me. I know that I am different and I embrace that. I do love who I have become.
I guess the message that I am trying to get across is take care of yourself. Be who you really want to be, because in the end, you are the one that looks at yourself everyday in the mirror, and you absolutely have to love what is looking back. Do I love what I see in the mirror right now...not so much..but I am making a change...a transformation into my real self. I know that it is just physical and it may sound strange, but I want the outside to match the inside. I DO NOT care what or who people perceive me as, because I know who I am and that is all that matters.
Do we have to be tall, skinny, rich, blond, and dumb for society to think that we are special...thats what society tells us. We think that those things are what our self worth is all about. But do you want society to dictate how you feel about yourself or do you want to be comfortable with you...after all you have to live with yourself everyday.
Tomorrow I am going to have a makeover of sorts...I am having my hair done just like I want it...just how I see myself...not how it will look to others...I am going on Friday to start working on 3 large tattoo pieces. I want my outside to match my inside, and my inside is exactly what I want it to be. I am open, caring, loving, STRONG, SMART, different, and I do not care anymore if I fit the mold or the image of what I should be.
Life has so many ups and downs, and sometimes when we are down we hit the bottom face first. But we have to pull ourselves up and move on. My Ed kept me hidden away for so many years. But not anymore. I will not allow ED to creep back into my life. I have felt his presence over the last few weeks. But I will never ever let me take away what I have worked so hard for. That would be the easy way out.
After all me and only me has to love the woman that I see when I look in the mirror. I would like to say that my transformation ends now. My transformation may end, but the evolution of the woman that I am and who I will become will be forever a journey that I will be on. I will always be evolving into the best me possible. I will not let ED into my evolution, he is the one one tha started my transformation but now its time to let him go, forever and always from my life., I will always remember and I will nener forget. In a strange twist of fate ED made me who I am today, and I am actually grateful for that. Grateful to myself that I have been able to break free, transform, and evolve. THe transformation may have ended, but the evolution will never end.
Why does society tell us who we should be, how we should look, how much we should weigh? Are these the things that show the world who we really are or who we will become? Why does society tell us that in order to be "beautiful" we need to look like Posh Spice or Paris Hilton? Does that define us and our abilities? To make a difference in the world do we have to follow these unrealistic guidelines. Does self worth have anything to do with the number tha is sewn in the back of our pants?
After MANY MANY years of of thinking that I had to be and look a certain way I have decided that I just don't care anymore. I have always tried to please evrybody else, o please my ED. I always said that I did not care if I was different. And I was different, but I was hiding behind my ED. I was acting out in a strange way for attention, but was it the attention that I really craved? Oh Kelly you are so skinny...that's all I heard...not Kelly you are so caring, smart or funny.
The last few weeks have been a real test for me. Mt best friend in the whole world has cancer, and I think that it has affected me more mentally than it has affected her. Have lost 12 lbs, I have not been eating and I have not really been working out. I feel like I am being pulled in 100 different directions and I have felt like I was going to com bust. I am a nurturer, a giver, and I want to please everyone. I have run myself into the ground and there has been no one there to pick me up. I would love for once for someone to ask if they could do anything for me. But I know that in the end that I have to rely on myself.
I have spent the last 2 years transforming myself into what I am. I am strong, I am secure, and I am a role model for people with eating disorders. I can not sit around and mope because things have been low. Today was a breaking point for me. I know that I am different and I embrace that. I do love who I have become.
I guess the message that I am trying to get across is take care of yourself. Be who you really want to be, because in the end, you are the one that looks at yourself everyday in the mirror, and you absolutely have to love what is looking back. Do I love what I see in the mirror right now...not so much..but I am making a change...a transformation into my real self. I know that it is just physical and it may sound strange, but I want the outside to match the inside. I DO NOT care what or who people perceive me as, because I know who I am and that is all that matters.
Do we have to be tall, skinny, rich, blond, and dumb for society to think that we are special...thats what society tells us. We think that those things are what our self worth is all about. But do you want society to dictate how you feel about yourself or do you want to be comfortable with you...after all you have to live with yourself everyday.
Tomorrow I am going to have a makeover of sorts...I am having my hair done just like I want it...just how I see myself...not how it will look to others...I am going on Friday to start working on 3 large tattoo pieces. I want my outside to match my inside, and my inside is exactly what I want it to be. I am open, caring, loving, STRONG, SMART, different, and I do not care anymore if I fit the mold or the image of what I should be.
Life has so many ups and downs, and sometimes when we are down we hit the bottom face first. But we have to pull ourselves up and move on. My Ed kept me hidden away for so many years. But not anymore. I will not allow ED to creep back into my life. I have felt his presence over the last few weeks. But I will never ever let me take away what I have worked so hard for. That would be the easy way out.
After all me and only me has to love the woman that I see when I look in the mirror. I would like to say that my transformation ends now. My transformation may end, but the evolution of the woman that I am and who I will become will be forever a journey that I will be on. I will always be evolving into the best me possible. I will not let ED into my evolution, he is the one one tha started my transformation but now its time to let him go, forever and always from my life., I will always remember and I will nener forget. In a strange twist of fate ED made me who I am today, and I am actually grateful for that. Grateful to myself that I have been able to break free, transform, and evolve. THe transformation may have ended, but the evolution will never end.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
A Word On Body Image...What is Your image?
This past week I have been thinking a lot about body image. What is the image of a womans body today? What was the image of a body 40 years ago? The comparision of these two images is nothing but sad.
Does having an emaniciated figure make you have more self worth? Does having a "flawless figure make you smarter? Does wearing the clothing size of a child make you a good person? When you look in the mirror and you do not see a flawless reflection, does that make you any less of a person?
Sopciety tells and shows girls that the only way to "suceed" is to look like a stick thin bag of bones. What is body image anyways? The image f who you are and what you have on the inside is the image that is the most important.
Is body image so important that you are willing to give your life up for it? Are you willing to sacrifice your life that is so important, all in the name of body imgae? An image that is created by a bunch of self rightous men?
Evereywhere you look you are told that you can be perfect if only you...(insert lie here). What if you physical image was going to be tarnished to save your life? Would you be able to drop the vanitey that is set into our brains, the vanitey that tells us to be worth something we have to be "perfect"on the outside?
What would you do if you had cancer and you were told that there was a medication that you could take that would increase your odds by 75%. The only drawback would be is that it was going to permenatley ruin your skin. It would cause horrendous acne and in the end leave scars. Would you do it? Would you have to take time to weigh the pros and cons, oe would you say no way. Unfortunatley societey has taught us that the outside is what makes you who you are. Not the incrediablly strong, intellegent, and caring person that you are on the inside.
Everyday womwen "give up" because of what they see in the mirror. This is a horrible and disgusting way to live. So what if your face is covered in acne, so what if you have scars, so what if you think that you are not as pretty as the women on the magazines. That is not reality. Reality is what is on the inside. Despite all the pysical chracteristics that you may think that make you worth something, in the end none of that matters.
We are women and we are strong. Tell yourself that when you look in the mirror. Being beautiful on the inside is what makes you beautiful on the outside. If someone can not see that in you, then they are someone that should not matter to you!
So whatever ruins your body image, throw it away. Stand in front of your mirror and pull out your brightest pink lipstick and write on the mirror: I AM STRONG, I AM BEAUTIFUL, I AM COMPITENT, I CAN TAKE THE WORLD BY STORM AND I WILL!!! I CARE ABOUT OTHERS AND MOST INMPORTANT I AM AN INTERNALLY BEAUTIFUL HUMAN BEING!and tell yourself that you are a smart, strong, compitent, caring, and internally beautiful human being. Because in the end that is all that matters!!!
*This blog was written with my best friend in mind. I want her to know that she will always be beautiful to me and to all theose around her that care and love her. Wear your "scars" as a badge, becuase you are fighing a fight that a lot of people would give up on. If I could take away your cancer and take it on myself. But I cant so this is your path in life now...kick your body images ass!!! Tell your body image that life is worth living no matter what the outside shell looks like!
Does having an emaniciated figure make you have more self worth? Does having a "flawless figure make you smarter? Does wearing the clothing size of a child make you a good person? When you look in the mirror and you do not see a flawless reflection, does that make you any less of a person?
Sopciety tells and shows girls that the only way to "suceed" is to look like a stick thin bag of bones. What is body image anyways? The image f who you are and what you have on the inside is the image that is the most important.
Is body image so important that you are willing to give your life up for it? Are you willing to sacrifice your life that is so important, all in the name of body imgae? An image that is created by a bunch of self rightous men?
Evereywhere you look you are told that you can be perfect if only you...(insert lie here). What if you physical image was going to be tarnished to save your life? Would you be able to drop the vanitey that is set into our brains, the vanitey that tells us to be worth something we have to be "perfect"on the outside?
What would you do if you had cancer and you were told that there was a medication that you could take that would increase your odds by 75%. The only drawback would be is that it was going to permenatley ruin your skin. It would cause horrendous acne and in the end leave scars. Would you do it? Would you have to take time to weigh the pros and cons, oe would you say no way. Unfortunatley societey has taught us that the outside is what makes you who you are. Not the incrediablly strong, intellegent, and caring person that you are on the inside.
Everyday womwen "give up" because of what they see in the mirror. This is a horrible and disgusting way to live. So what if your face is covered in acne, so what if you have scars, so what if you think that you are not as pretty as the women on the magazines. That is not reality. Reality is what is on the inside. Despite all the pysical chracteristics that you may think that make you worth something, in the end none of that matters.
We are women and we are strong. Tell yourself that when you look in the mirror. Being beautiful on the inside is what makes you beautiful on the outside. If someone can not see that in you, then they are someone that should not matter to you!
So whatever ruins your body image, throw it away. Stand in front of your mirror and pull out your brightest pink lipstick and write on the mirror: I AM STRONG, I AM BEAUTIFUL, I AM COMPITENT, I CAN TAKE THE WORLD BY STORM AND I WILL!!! I CARE ABOUT OTHERS AND MOST INMPORTANT I AM AN INTERNALLY BEAUTIFUL HUMAN BEING!and tell yourself that you are a smart, strong, compitent, caring, and internally beautiful human being. Because in the end that is all that matters!!!
*This blog was written with my best friend in mind. I want her to know that she will always be beautiful to me and to all theose around her that care and love her. Wear your "scars" as a badge, becuase you are fighing a fight that a lot of people would give up on. If I could take away your cancer and take it on myself. But I cant so this is your path in life now...kick your body images ass!!! Tell your body image that life is worth living no matter what the outside shell looks like!
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Is my life worth it?
I have had to think tonight about that very question...Is my life worth it? Do I contribute to the world? Yes it is no matter what. I have only tohught this for a small amount of time. I know that my life is worth it, but what about those other poor soals that do not know that.
When ED is running your life, you have no control, much less think that your life is actually of any importance. But it is, someone put you here for a purpose and you need to find it!
Where did your ED ome from...who taught you how to even process those thoughts in your head? Do you even remember? What if it was your own mother? What if it was the one that was suppossed to protect you keep you safe was the one that in the end taught you how to kill yourself? Sounds crude but in the end that one day that you decided to accept ED into your life was the day that you proclaimed that your life was not worth it.
Break thru the chains and tell Ed that your life is worth it. Let Ed know that you are powerless over its control. But stand up and tell ED that you are going to let it know that you are worth it and you will knock Ed down as many tomes as possible to see self worth in the mirror every day. And if it was your own flesh and blood that took your control away from you, well take your life back...keep walking...and tell yourself that you are worth it!!!
When ED is running your life, you have no control, much less think that your life is actually of any importance. But it is, someone put you here for a purpose and you need to find it!
Where did your ED ome from...who taught you how to even process those thoughts in your head? Do you even remember? What if it was your own mother? What if it was the one that was suppossed to protect you keep you safe was the one that in the end taught you how to kill yourself? Sounds crude but in the end that one day that you decided to accept ED into your life was the day that you proclaimed that your life was not worth it.
Break thru the chains and tell Ed that your life is worth it. Let Ed know that you are powerless over its control. But stand up and tell ED that you are going to let it know that you are worth it and you will knock Ed down as many tomes as possible to see self worth in the mirror every day. And if it was your own flesh and blood that took your control away from you, well take your life back...keep walking...and tell yourself that you are worth it!!!
Monday, April 14, 2008
Our parents, our saviors, the ones who brought us into the world
I am sure that their hearts break...they brought us into this world with all the excitement and promise that could ever be imagined. Their little girls were so sweet and innocent and pure. Then ED got his hands on us. At this very point is when they lost us, but probably did not know that quite yet.
I believe that the story is the same with every family. Girl develops eating disorder, family especially mother wonders what they did wrong, mothers start blaming themselves and bigger wedge is driven between mother and daughter, a wedge that is put there by ED.
I know that there are mothers out there that feel that they would give their lives and their souls for just one day of having their "old" daughter back. During the battle with an eating disorder we rebel against the ones that love us, we purposely drive our families away, especially out mothers. Is this an unconscious or conscious choice? Who really knows, or maybe it is different in every situation.
Everyday that ED is killing us, ED is killing our mothers just as much. I know that my mother fought so that I could have the rights that I have as a woman. So that I could be free to make whatever choices in life that I wanted. Unfortunately for a long time I made the choice to out ED in front of everything, like I know so many others have done. This was not the choice that my mom fought for. My mom and many others out there burned their bras, fought for equal rights, marched for Roe vs Wade, and had to throw their selves on the "line" so that we could be strong independent women. My mom raised me to not depend on anyone but myself, to make a mark in the world, to make a difference. I told myself that I was independent, when in fact I was not. I was 100% dependant on ED, and that must have devastated my mother.
When we are in the midst of our eating disorders we don't think about anything, except for what has to do with ED. Its very sad and unfortunate. So take a minute and sit back and dont think about yourself, but think about what ED is doing to your mother. This woman brought you into this world, she wants to love you and protect you. So when you think that there is no hope think about your mother. Think about how this affecting her. You are slowly taking away the life that she gave you. Reach your hand out to her and let her walk the path of recovery with you.
I believe that the story is the same with every family. Girl develops eating disorder, family especially mother wonders what they did wrong, mothers start blaming themselves and bigger wedge is driven between mother and daughter, a wedge that is put there by ED.
I know that there are mothers out there that feel that they would give their lives and their souls for just one day of having their "old" daughter back. During the battle with an eating disorder we rebel against the ones that love us, we purposely drive our families away, especially out mothers. Is this an unconscious or conscious choice? Who really knows, or maybe it is different in every situation.
Everyday that ED is killing us, ED is killing our mothers just as much. I know that my mother fought so that I could have the rights that I have as a woman. So that I could be free to make whatever choices in life that I wanted. Unfortunately for a long time I made the choice to out ED in front of everything, like I know so many others have done. This was not the choice that my mom fought for. My mom and many others out there burned their bras, fought for equal rights, marched for Roe vs Wade, and had to throw their selves on the "line" so that we could be strong independent women. My mom raised me to not depend on anyone but myself, to make a mark in the world, to make a difference. I told myself that I was independent, when in fact I was not. I was 100% dependant on ED, and that must have devastated my mother.
When we are in the midst of our eating disorders we don't think about anything, except for what has to do with ED. Its very sad and unfortunate. So take a minute and sit back and dont think about yourself, but think about what ED is doing to your mother. This woman brought you into this world, she wants to love you and protect you. So when you think that there is no hope think about your mother. Think about how this affecting her. You are slowly taking away the life that she gave you. Reach your hand out to her and let her walk the path of recovery with you.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Will ED let you find your place in the world?
All of us who are suffers of ED probably have always wondered...will I find my place in life? Am I going to be stuck in this giant revolving door that is life with ED.
Will I always feel so terribly alone? Is ED going to be my best friend forever, or can I break ties with the thing, this entity that is breaking my soal? Will I be stuck my whole life with this best friend from hell, will I ever have a best friend that is a real friend, someone that I can actually lean on in a time of need, a friend that is not trying to kill me.
When we honestly ask which persons in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle tender hand. The friend that can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not-knowing, not-curing, not-healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness...makes it clear that whatever happens in the external world, being present to each other is what really matters.
If those reading this feel as I have most of my life, you feel that you will never find your place. How can you when you are spending all your energy worrying and obsessing about ED. You wake up one day and you are 30 years old and you are still trying to find yourself and your place in life.
I am here to tell you that we all have a place in life and it is not with ED. You have to reach deep into your soal in into yourself to break free. In order to find your place in life you have to show ED that his place is not in your life. Life is a journey and thru this journey we find ourselves and our place. the sad and unfortunate thing is, when we have ED in our life that journey is all about ED. When you are able to find your place in life it is a feeling like no other. Its a feeling that you never thought was possible. When you find yourself and your place in life you are starting a new journey.
We are all put here for something, I have a feeling that we were not put here to be someone that was beat by an eating disorder. However starting on the journey to recover will help you find what you are here for. All of our lives have meaning, it may not seem like it because ED tries to suck all of that meaning out of our lives. Don't let him take away your meaning.
Will I always feel so terribly alone? Is ED going to be my best friend forever, or can I break ties with the thing, this entity that is breaking my soal? Will I be stuck my whole life with this best friend from hell, will I ever have a best friend that is a real friend, someone that I can actually lean on in a time of need, a friend that is not trying to kill me.
When we honestly ask which persons in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle tender hand. The friend that can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not-knowing, not-curing, not-healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness...makes it clear that whatever happens in the external world, being present to each other is what really matters.
If those reading this feel as I have most of my life, you feel that you will never find your place. How can you when you are spending all your energy worrying and obsessing about ED. You wake up one day and you are 30 years old and you are still trying to find yourself and your place in life.
I am here to tell you that we all have a place in life and it is not with ED. You have to reach deep into your soal in into yourself to break free. In order to find your place in life you have to show ED that his place is not in your life. Life is a journey and thru this journey we find ourselves and our place. the sad and unfortunate thing is, when we have ED in our life that journey is all about ED. When you are able to find your place in life it is a feeling like no other. Its a feeling that you never thought was possible. When you find yourself and your place in life you are starting a new journey.
We are all put here for something, I have a feeling that we were not put here to be someone that was beat by an eating disorder. However starting on the journey to recover will help you find what you are here for. All of our lives have meaning, it may not seem like it because ED tries to suck all of that meaning out of our lives. Don't let him take away your meaning.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
A woman of strength has faith in the journey that she will become strong
Part of the damage that an eating disorder does is take away the most natural and intimate thing...our sexuality and sensuality...it makes us feel less of a woman..makes us feel powerless and weak...
I am here to tell you...FUCK THAT!!!! We are women..we are STRONG...NOTHING should ever take that away from us...ED has control of us...well at some point we have to tell ED "kiss my ass" ...we have to take back control...even though in my opinion, as people with EDs..we will NEVER have total control, but we have to take back the part of us that has been stolen..
We are strong women, we are beautiful, we have a gift from god...its called sensuality...we are soft but aggressive...we are delicate like flowers, but we strike like tigers, we are strong but we are the weakest women there are...we are women that have a gift but dont know it yet..we are women living and fighting and battling...and hopefully one day baning together like our mothers did to protest..we are protesting for womens rights...but its our right to take back our soals and our minds from ED. One day we will all be able to reject him
We are strong women..that should be the first thing that you tell yourself in the morning. A strong woman works out every day to keep her body in shape, but a woman of strength kneels in prayer to keep her soul in shape. A strong woman isn't afraid of anything, but a woman of strength shows courage in the midst of fear. A strong woman won't let anyone get the best of he, but a woman of strength gives the best of her to everyone. A strong woman makes mistakes and avoids the same in the future, but a woman of strength realizes life's mistakes can also be God's blessing and capitalizes on them. A strong woman walks sure footedly, but a woman of strength knows God will catch her when she falls. A strong woman wears the look of confidence on her face...but a woman of strength wears grace. A strong woman has faith that she is strong enough for the journey...but a woman of strength has faith that it is in the journey that she will become strong.
Are you ready for the journey? Are you ready to protest against what is taking away your soal and your life? I think you are, and this is the first step...you are a woman of strength, and you are ready for any journey that life throws at you, are you ready to walk hasnd in hand in the journey that is ED?
I am here to tell you...FUCK THAT!!!! We are women..we are STRONG...NOTHING should ever take that away from us...ED has control of us...well at some point we have to tell ED "kiss my ass" ...we have to take back control...even though in my opinion, as people with EDs..we will NEVER have total control, but we have to take back the part of us that has been stolen..
We are strong women, we are beautiful, we have a gift from god...its called sensuality...we are soft but aggressive...we are delicate like flowers, but we strike like tigers, we are strong but we are the weakest women there are...we are women that have a gift but dont know it yet..we are women living and fighting and battling...and hopefully one day baning together like our mothers did to protest..we are protesting for womens rights...but its our right to take back our soals and our minds from ED. One day we will all be able to reject him
We are strong women..that should be the first thing that you tell yourself in the morning. A strong woman works out every day to keep her body in shape, but a woman of strength kneels in prayer to keep her soul in shape. A strong woman isn't afraid of anything, but a woman of strength shows courage in the midst of fear. A strong woman won't let anyone get the best of he, but a woman of strength gives the best of her to everyone. A strong woman makes mistakes and avoids the same in the future, but a woman of strength realizes life's mistakes can also be God's blessing and capitalizes on them. A strong woman walks sure footedly, but a woman of strength knows God will catch her when she falls. A strong woman wears the look of confidence on her face...but a woman of strength wears grace. A strong woman has faith that she is strong enough for the journey...but a woman of strength has faith that it is in the journey that she will become strong.
Are you ready for the journey? Are you ready to protest against what is taking away your soal and your life? I think you are, and this is the first step...you are a woman of strength, and you are ready for any journey that life throws at you, are you ready to walk hasnd in hand in the journey that is ED?
ME..Who I am...why I am here
Hello everyone!!! My name is Kelly Graham. I am 32 years old and I have an Eating Disorder. I have been in recovery for almost 3 years. It has been a very long and difficult road. A road that is still winding with dips and turns everywhere. I am developed the tools to make it day to day. I feel wonderful for the first time in my life.
I wish that every person out there with an eating disorder could step into my shoes for just one day. To realize that there really is hope. That a new and better life is possible. i will be the first to say that recovery is hard, it sucks, everyone will struggle everyday, but there is a way to learn to live and be happy and "clean".
I am a VERY opinionated person. I do not hold things back and I tell things how they are. So a lot of the way that I believe would probably be looked down on by some "specialists", but how can you be a specialist if you have not battled this disease your whole life? So here is my beliefs...you will take this disease to your grave, there is no such thing as being "cured" and it is the HARDEST thing that you will have have to deal with. After all you need food to live, but its the food thats killing you...so what do you do?
I am sure everyone is wondering how did she get into recovery after so long. I could write a book about my experiences (which I will at some point). But I try not look so much into the past. I will say this. I woke up one day and I knew that if I did not do something then this disease would beat me! I did it all on my own (which I do not recommend). Everyday was and still is a struggle. I still have my bad days and I am sure that I always will.
The module of treatment that worked for me is a holistic approach comprised of exercise therapy, nutrition therapy, and talk therapy and also medication therapy.
I am now happy and healthy. I have a lot of support from those around me. I have a great career as a personal trainer and nutritionist. I look at myself in the mirror and think that it seems so long ago that I was 110lbs and 5"10..now I am a super buff and muscular girl that looks like an athlete, and I am proud of what I see.
I am in school and working towards my PhD in Clinical Psychology. I want to change the way that eating disorders are treated. I know that there is hope and I hope that I can be the one to put that hope in as many people as possible.
During this blog I will be conducting research, doing case studies, and collecting as much data and info as possible. The difference is, I want real personal data. I want the world (or at least the psychology world) to truley understand what someone feels like when they have an ED. I want those "specialist" to feel the pain and agony that we have all gone thru. I am creating a curriculum for an Eating Disorder class as well.
So tell me your stories and try to release some of your pain. I have learned that writing is a way to open up without having to be vulnerable.
I wish that every person out there with an eating disorder could step into my shoes for just one day. To realize that there really is hope. That a new and better life is possible. i will be the first to say that recovery is hard, it sucks, everyone will struggle everyday, but there is a way to learn to live and be happy and "clean".
I am a VERY opinionated person. I do not hold things back and I tell things how they are. So a lot of the way that I believe would probably be looked down on by some "specialists", but how can you be a specialist if you have not battled this disease your whole life? So here is my beliefs...you will take this disease to your grave, there is no such thing as being "cured" and it is the HARDEST thing that you will have have to deal with. After all you need food to live, but its the food thats killing you...so what do you do?
I am sure everyone is wondering how did she get into recovery after so long. I could write a book about my experiences (which I will at some point). But I try not look so much into the past. I will say this. I woke up one day and I knew that if I did not do something then this disease would beat me! I did it all on my own (which I do not recommend). Everyday was and still is a struggle. I still have my bad days and I am sure that I always will.
The module of treatment that worked for me is a holistic approach comprised of exercise therapy, nutrition therapy, and talk therapy and also medication therapy.
I am now happy and healthy. I have a lot of support from those around me. I have a great career as a personal trainer and nutritionist. I look at myself in the mirror and think that it seems so long ago that I was 110lbs and 5"10..now I am a super buff and muscular girl that looks like an athlete, and I am proud of what I see.
I am in school and working towards my PhD in Clinical Psychology. I want to change the way that eating disorders are treated. I know that there is hope and I hope that I can be the one to put that hope in as many people as possible.
During this blog I will be conducting research, doing case studies, and collecting as much data and info as possible. The difference is, I want real personal data. I want the world (or at least the psychology world) to truley understand what someone feels like when they have an ED. I want those "specialist" to feel the pain and agony that we have all gone thru. I am creating a curriculum for an Eating Disorder class as well.
So tell me your stories and try to release some of your pain. I have learned that writing is a way to open up without having to be vulnerable.
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