Growth

I have been thiking a lot about the growth that I have had over the past few years. Even the past few months.

In the past every day was a struggle for me. I did not know from one day to the next what was going to happen. I feel like I have made amazing strides in my growth as a person, as a woman, and as a person that has grown from being the girl with the Eating Disorder, to the WOMAN that wants to make a difference in the world

I now know what I want from life. I want to be happy, secure, safe, and loved. Because of my past issues within myself I pushed people away(especially the opposite sex). I have always put up a wall and not really let people in. I did this out of insecurities within myself. I rationalized it to myself that if I did not let someone into my heart then I would not get hurt. I now that is not the way to think.

I am growing as a person and I have destroyed that wall. I promised my self the other day that that part of myself and my insecurities were gone and would not return. The thing about me, when I say that I am going to do something then I do it!!!

One of the things that an ED does to girls is make you untrusting of the opposite sex. We are so insecure about ourselves, we find it hard to believe that someone would actually love and care about us, for us. As of now and forever this part of me is gone. I know more than ever that I deserve to be happy, I deserve, to be loved, I deserve to feel safe, and I will always be secure within myself!!

I am like a Magnolia Tree. A Magnolia stands for nobility. Does that mean that I think that I am above most people? Not at all. To me it means that I have fought and strived to be the best as I possibily can. To make my life noble. To have the highest moral values within myself. Someone that is noble treats others with respect and most off all treats themself with respect. And I will always treat myslef with respect, because in the past I never treated my body with respect (my ED). The branches of my life are always growing.

This is kind of off topic from what I usually write about, but its in my thoughts. Why is it that people in my generation are so disapointing.(not all but most) Why do women settle and why do men generally treat women like crap. Why do both sexes play these stupid games with each other? Why are so many people (men and women) afraid to express thier true feeling, why do they beat around the bush? Why cant both sexes be honest and upfront with the other sex? This has been a question that every generation has.

What Im about to say, most people who know me might do a double take. Maybe its because I have always been a "tough" girl, not like other girls. I have always felt like I had to be in control and never let my emotions get in the way. But I now know that I have to relenquish control at some point. I can not do everything. I do believe in love and I do believe in that fantasy that every girl and boy has a prince or princess charming that will swipe her/him off her feet. I think that it is truley unfortunate that most people do not find that. I think they do not find it because they settle. That I will never ever do. I know that I am starting to think this way because of my growth, because I have knocked down that wall. I know that I do deserve it all. Dont get me wrong I can offer the same to someone else. Its deffenitly not one sided. Mutual repect and complete honesty is what is important. I know that I can be happy and secure with myself. I do not need someone to make me feel good about myself. I am the only one in the end that make me feel good about me.

I have always said the following and now I truley believe it:

"You have to find yourself before someone finds you."
"You have to love yourself before someone can love you."
"EVERYDAY WE DECIDE WHO WE WILL BE BY THE ACTIONS THAT WE TAKE!"
"You can change your behaviors, but you can never, and should never change who you are at the core."

If anything comes from the blogs that I write, I want girls to know that you have to love yourself and accept yourself. Be secure with who you are, do not ever make excuses for who you are, what you feel, or what you think. Done ever change yourself for someone else. Love is unconditional. (wether its family or mates or friends it does not matter)